“Forgive and forget…” “Just move on…” “Quit thinking about it, you’ll get over it…” There are a lot of sayings out there that have a tone of forgiveness but really don’t capture what goes into that. For some, forgiveness can feel impossible because it means saying what the other person did was OK when it wasn’t OK. For others, it symbolizes giving away their power to someone or something else.
Meaning of Forgiveness is Personal
When I ask “what does it mean to forgive,” what comes to mind? Take a moment to think about it and write it down…
Just like everyone, I’ve been wronged by other people, situations have been unfair in my life, and I’ve felt betrayed about an outcome where someone else benefited. I’ve had a hard time releasing some of that anger, hurt, resentment and pain. But I also found it brought me down physically and mentally, aided in an identity that I didn’t want to embody, and stole my energy.
That’s not helpful. So, what can we do instead?
Power of Forgiveness
By working through my own ‘bad events’, I’ve realized a few things. I’ve written about how important emotional awareness and boundaries are, but what I was surprised about was the power of forgiveness:
- Forgiveness isn’t reconciliation, it’s not external… It’s about inner peace.
- When I think of those “bad” instances or griefs, all the emotions, thoughts and sometimes behaviors come back, just like I’m reliving it again. That was tiring and depleting my energy. I was giving away a lot of my energy to things I could not control; they happened and are over.
- Holding those thoughts and memories changed my boundaries, leading me to be very rigid or too loose about things that were no longer valid.
- Despite not wanting them, I couldn’t ‘forget’ them completely, like a grudge I needed to carry. It wasn’t always at the forefront of my mind, but became an insidious part of my identity, behaviors, reactions—a part I didn’t like. It brought up other feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment and even humiliation.
- Even when I ‘forgot’ about it, something outside of me would cause a flash memory or remind me of a person, place, or thing from my past I was trying to ignore…I found that to be jarring.
Rethinking Forgiveness
I wanted to do it differently, harness my power back, be authentic, resilient, and focus on what I want to control, not avoiding or being blindsided by past events or people. Therefore, I decided to rethink my views of forgiveness.
- I’m not letting someone else off the hook, but instead refocusing on transferring my energy and power to myself.
- By identifying the emotions that went into my experience, I’m giving CREDIT, but not CONTROL over me. This gives me more ability and energy for emotional regulation.
- With more emotional regulation, I can RESPOND, instead of REACT. This helps me feel more confident in various situations in my life.
- I’m not forgetting my past or erasing it—I can’t. It is a part of me and helped create who I am. And I’m not saying what happened to me (or what I’ve done), is OK.
- Forgiving myself and making myself into someone I like, I am no longer a victim of my past. This can be accomplished through therapy, spirituality, self-help, or whatever your path looks like.
Even if forgiving others isn’t where you are at this time, consider practicing by forgiving yourself. Acknowledge and learn from your mistakes but do not hold yourself hostage. After all, you have to live with YOURSELF for the rest of your life, so you might as well make yourself someone you like!
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