Traumatic events can have a huge impact on children and youth and, depending on age, process things in different ways. Here’s a list of behaviors and helpful tips to help with children and youth as they work through hard times.
Pre-school and early primary students (3-6 years old):
- “Me” centered
- Magical thinking – may think that something they thought or did caused the event, “my fault”
- Death is seen as reversible – may think there is something they can do to make the person come back
- Often recreate the event, talk about or “play” the event with toys
- May exhibit physical symptoms like headaches, stomachaches, and/or reflecting a need for nurturing
- May see an increase in bedwetting
- May have an increase in hate statements (“I hate you/that group/my sister”/etc)
- May want to sleep with an adult to feel more safe
- Increased sensitivity to sounds: sirens, planes, knocks/bangs
- May have difficulties being separated from trusted adults, not wanting to be alone, clingy because they are feeling insecure, anxious, fearful
- Need reassurance that things will get better, people can get help and get ‘well’Apathy and withdrawal from family and friends.
What to do:
- Keep it simple and use words the child will understand. Be direct but not overly detailed.
- Read books or stories and ask how the characters feel: “how do you think the bunny rabbit felt…?”
- Maintain a daily schedule as much as possible: this provides consistency and predictability. Flexibility is necessary but don’t over-indulge.
- Offer lots of physical and emotional connection: hugs, games (not TV), reading together
Mid-primary years to adolescence (6-12 years old):
- May regress to earlier behavior or misbehavior, clingy, fearful, etc.
- Hyperactivity may signal their wish to escape feelings they cannot yet grasp.
- May exhibit physical symptoms, reflecting a need for nurturing.
- Understanding of the concept of death is specific and concrete.
- May want to know where you are at all times, what you are doing.
- Increased sensitivity to sounds: sirens, planes, knocks/bangs.
- May appear more clingy, fearful, immature.
- Nightmares may be overwhelming.
- Difficulties concentrating, focusing.
What to do:
- Ask the child what happened, “what movie plays in your head” or something similar.
- Like small children, this age group needs dependable schedules, predictable responsibilities (chores, homework), physical closeness (games, hugs, etc).
- Children this age need to know how valuable they are to the family. This includes chores and how they help the whole, asking them to volunteer for temporary help around the house until things stabilize, etc.
- Alert the school counselor of any events so they can keep an eye out for any signs of prolonged or excessive distress or behavioral concerns.
- Older children would benefit from a discussion on boundaries and privacy, not posting things on social media, etc.
- Limit TV/news about event. This applies to adults, too!
Teen years (13-19 years old):
- Abstract concepts and feelings about an afterlife are developing.
- Tendencies to idealize or romanticize make grief feelings more intense.
- May exhibit physical symptoms, reflecting a need for nurturing.
- Particularly vulnerable to peer reactions, more emotional.
- Personalizing the event, as if it impacted them more than anyone else.
- Anger, guilt and depression are often significantly magnified.
- May regress in behavior, act at a younger age/stage.
- Difficulties concentrating, focusing.
What to do:
- Make sure routine is a solid part of their life: homework, sports, hygiene, bed time, etc.
- Family meals or activities are very important.
- Structure is important, but honor the independence of your teen, flexibility. That being the case, if they are able to/volunteer for additional tasks at home, allow them to do this.
- Don’t be surprised if they avoid physical affection, but also don’t be surprised if they respond to hugs, etc. Teenagers are finicky.
- Peers or peer families may provide support. As long as they are getting it from someone, don’t take it personally if it’s not you. But be in touch with those people for updates.
- Ask direct questions, give direct answers. You can even ask “what are the kids at school saying about it?” Sometimes asking about peers makes the teen a little more at ease.
- Talk to them about boundaries and privacy and the need to stay off social media.
- Limit TV/news about event. This applies to adults, too!